Going through Withdrawal
I have a confession to make: I am a sick person.
I have a confession to make: I am a sick person.
So much goes on behind the scenes that I sometimes wonder if you ever get a full picture of any person. I spent the day yesterday speaking to several friends, all of whom I realized have a lot going on beneath the surface that many would never know about. Some people are going through really hard times, and dealing with extremely difficult situations on a daily basis. Most people, even those closest to them, would never know. I sometimes find that someone close to me is going through incredibly similar situations to those I am struggling with. It is comforting to know that I am not alone in my pain. I don't want others to go through the hard things I have to deal with, but it helps to know I am not the only one. And I think it helps them to know it also. Other people do such tremendous chesed without taking credit for it. They devote their lives, and their time, to supporting others. And they often do it anonymously, or behind the scenes, so as to protect the dignity of those they help. They often never receive a thanks, but they do it anyway, because they truly care about those around them. They are truly caring, devoted individuals and even if they don't see it, they do make a difference to others. I feel extremely fortunate to be privy to some of what goes on behind the scenes in these peoples' lives, whether it is good or bad, whether it is something that I can hopefully help with, or just admire from a distance. I hope my knowledge of these few people will help me keep in mind that when dealing with others, you never know what is going on behind the scenes.
Okay, sorry about the last post, I was having a down day and not hiding it well. I had a very nice Shabbos, a good friend of mine was in town so we got to catch up, had a nice girls' night out last night with friends. So I am a bit more calm now. I have neighbors who are so incredibly selfless and loving, warm and giving. They have really made me feel at home since the first time I met them. Whenever I spend time with them, I really feel their love and care. They have made me feel so welcome, and I don't know if I will ever be able to express to them what it means to me. They have really made a difference in my life in the past year. I hope they know how much I appreciate them.
I was going to write a pretty post about the episode of My So-Called Life I just watched and how words hurt more than guns, and how hearts are broken so easliy. But I don't feel like it. I try to keep negativity off my blog, or if I find it necessary, to make it constructive. But today, I just don't feel like it. What I do feel like is whining. Just once. About how I am sick of being single. Of not having that one special someone who cares more and who I care about more than anything. Who I can come home to every day. And love, and adore, and take care of. Someone who understands who I am, and loves me for it. Who is not afraid to commit the rest of his life to me, and me to him. Someone who I can't imagine life without. I told a friend last night that I was lonely, and he responded that he didn't understand when I had time to be lonely. I go to work early, go to school, come home late and go to bed. When do I have time to be lonely? It is not a thing that needs time to feel. Even in my busiest moments, I still have time to know that I don't have someone who will be there forever. Maybe I sound like I am over-romanticizing it. It is possible I am. I don't expect marriage to be always a rose garden, with no obstacles and no hard times and down days. But having someone to work through those tough times with makes a huge difference. To have someone to love makes a huge difference. I am not unhappy, I really have a good life. But I am tired of being single, of being alone. And I just want to know when it will end. I know there are many others out there who feel the same, and can commiserate. I don't think dwelling in the depression or bashing all the members of the opposite sex helps anything. I think being supportive and encouraging each other that the end is in sight does. So anyone who has positive words of encouragement for me, please feel free to leave a comment or send me an e-mail. Sorry for the depressing whine. But once in a great while it just needs an out.
Lots of mixed up thoughts going on in my head at the moment - about marriage, relationships, the interactions between men and women, sex (or the lack thereof). They are all tied in together, I am not sure where one begins and another ends. There are so many different types of people, and therefore, relationships out there. One kind just doesn't fit all. And one strategy towards relationships doesn't fit all. It was pointed out to me yesterday that the kinds of relationships I have are not what others have, never will be. It amazes me how entangled people get without even realizing it. So quickly, with so few words, only a few interactions, and one is imprinted on another's life. What little it takes for a man to have a woman wound, and how quickly he can manage to cut that tie. Is it the same for men? I don't think so, but I am not sure why. I know I am being incredibly vague, but that is where my thoughts are right now - caught up in the emotional, spinning, confusing, hurting. When I untangle my thoughts, hopefully there will be a clearer post.
Final exams start tonight - I have a one-two-three lineup for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (by the last one, I will be out!), plus a project due along with my exam on Wednesday. After that, it is up, up and away from Baltimore for the weekend, to see beautiful sights and lights galore. Expect light to no blogging until next week, but stay tuned, because I will be back soon. Have a great week!
I enjoy writing, and I like to think I am decent at it. There are two parts that are difficult to me - the starting and the finishing. And of the two, the finishing is absolutely the hardest part. How do you sum everything up in a pithy little sentence or paragraph? How do you bring a new spin to whatever you have been rambling on about for the past ten or so pages? Whenever I am trying to conclude a paper, a letter or even a blog post, I always feel a bit inept and awkward. Maybe that is what you learn when you take writing classes and become a professional writer. Maybe they teach you the secret tricks of wrapping up an article, a book or an epistle. Or maybe good writers are just born with an innate ability to conclude. (Or maybe they have to work hard at it also.) All I know is, I work and work on a paper, and I have no idea how to bring it to an end. I always feel that something is left hanging out there (I feel like there is a movie reference here, but I am not putting my finger on it at the moment). While I am capable of writing for pages and pages, that one final page is always elusive and ridiculously hesitant to be grasped by my mind and fingers. Can you tell I am currently procrastinating and struggling with the conclusion of a paper that is due imminently?
This morning when my alarm went off, I got all excited.