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Isn't it pretty?

Thursday, December 30, 2004

Going through Withdrawal

I have a confession to make: I am a sick person.

I have an addiction. Something that I have a lot of trouble living without. When it is in my life, I am overwhelmed by it, and want it to be gone. But the minute it is over, I am listless and bored and don't know what to do with myself.

I am addicted to school.

Most people are overjoyed at the prospect of having some time off, being free to do whatever they want, not having pressure and deadlines looming over their heads. The truth is, I enjoy that also. I don't like being stressed out, I hate the feeling of a paper due the next week that I haven't even started researching on a topic that is of no interest to me whatsoever. You would think working full time would be enough to fill my days. And my nights? I can do whatever I want - go to the gym, cook, clean, hang out with my friends, watch a movie. But I find myself missing the intellectual stimulation of the class discussions, the connection with other students who are studying the same things I am. The insights, the new knowledge. The motivation of learning information that I haven't yet been exposed to.

I walk around in the evenings, not knowing what to do with myself. I get home, even after going to the gym, by 5:30. The assignment-less hours stretch ahead of me, taunting me that there is nothing that HAS to be done before tomorrow. It is so easy to put things off, because there are no deadlines. I know I have a problem, and I am taking the first step of admitting it. I am just not sure what the next step is - anyone in a 12-step program who can help me out here?


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