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Isn't it pretty?

Friday, August 19, 2005

Back to Baltimore

Wow! This week has flown by. Yesterday I had to keep reassuring myself that it was in fact Thursday already. So, in keeping with my theme of not spending a single weekend in Passaic (which I do hope to change soon), later today I am heading back to Baltimore for the weekend and a friend's wedding on Monday. It's a weird feeling. All of a sudden, I had to find a place to stay and become a guest in the community that was home just a few weeks ago. In the community where I often played the host. I have to pack up my stuff to go there, rather than to leave. I dread getting the same questions from everyone - how is it going? Did you find a job? Have you met many people? Etc. Etc. I hate feeling like I HAVE to make sure to see so many people while I am there, rather than knowing that I will be there next week to spend quality time with them. I didn't even tell a lot of people I was coming, because I knew I wasn't going to have a car while in town, so I couldn't drive around visiting those who I can't walk to see. I think what is so hard is that while I am getting adjusted to my new place, it still isn't quite home yet. And Baltimore is no longer home, so I don't feel like I have a home. When I was in college, some time after I had moved out, my family sold the house that I had lived in while in high school. I loved that house and really felt that it was home. I remember driving by that house again, and seeing the curtains that the new owners had put up, and feeling a sense of loss of home. Even though I hadn't lived there in a year or two, it was still home in my heart until I saw that it really wasn't anymore, that it was someone else's home now. So I have to apologize to Yenti Schwartz for not staying with her - but it makes me sad to even think about being in my home, but it not being home anymore. I am sure I will have a nice weekend in Baltimore, and enjoy seeing everyone who I have missed. And maybe when I come back to New Jersey, it will be a little more like home now.

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