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Isn't it pretty?

Thursday, September 23, 2004

What is Home?

My family moved around a lot when I was younger. They eventually managed to settle themselves in Birmingham, where they still live. I, on the other hand, am having a much more difficult time determining where I want to stay. In my ten years since graduating high school, the longest I have lived in any dwelling is here in Baltimore, where I have been for a little over two years now. And I am thinking about moving once again. Both of my parents have moved since I left Birmingham, so I have never lived in either of their houses. I don't have a bedroom, or any of my belongings in either of their homes, which I will admit makes sense considering it has been almost two years since I have even set foot in Birmingham (though that could change in the next couple months, I think I am due for a visit soon). All of this moving has caused me to feel a bit out of place wherever I am. I like my apartment, but I am not sure it really feels like home. Everything I own is there, and I know it feels better to sleep there than anywhere else, but it is lacking something. I am not sure if what I am missing is the sense of family, or love, or permanency beyond the end of my lease. I feel like the word has the connotation of a place where familial relationships are built. I feel like it should be a place where when you walk in the door, there is a sense of security, of belonging, or history, or at least of future. I don't have that sense anywhere at the moment, and I feel like the proverbial "wandering Jew" fairly often. They say "home is where the heart is" and I guess I don't know anymore where my heart is. I long for a sense of "coming home" to the place where I know I belong, for good. I hope that I can build that one day very soon.

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