Crying

Every Tisha B'Av, I read the introduction to Lamentations where the editor explains that Hashem collects each tear that we cry.

Lately, I feel like Hashem has been collecting an unproportional amount of tears from me. I find myself crying daily. The time when I find tears coming to my eyes without any other provocation is when I am davening.

There is something about talking to Hashem that lately has caused me to break into tears almost every time I attempt it. It might just be that it is Elul, and I know that my upcoming judgment is in the balance. But I think it is something more. I think it is because I know Rosh Hashanah is right around the corner, and this year I feel more distant from Hashem than I ever have in the past. And when I am davening, I know in my heart how far I feel from Him, and that causes tears to spring to my eyes. I hope Hashem is collecting my tears, and knows that my distance from Him is what hurts me. I hope that I can soon feel closer to Him, that maybe the fact that my distance moves me to tears can bring me closer in some way. I know He is there, and wants me to be close. I am just not sure I know how anymore.