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Isn't it pretty?

Friday, September 03, 2004

Being Judged

With Rosh Hashanah coming in just a couple short weeks (I can't believe it!), my mind has been on evaluating the past year to determine whether I deserve to be judged favorably or not. I came across Joy of Improvement on Keep Trying, and I relate very much to what Mike is saying. I recall last year discussing with friends about the fear of judgment. I felt a bit guilty saying that I am not afraid of it. This is not because I think I am so perfect that I have nothing to worry about, that I was so good of course Hashem would judge me favorably. It is much more about the sense of opportunity that comes along with a new year - the opportunity to do things better this year, to have this year be the best year ever, to have great things that I have been waiting for happen this year.

Along with having this feeling of opportunity, each year the impending holidays cause me to look back over my past year to see what has changed in me over the past twelve months - in what areas have I grown, in what areas have I faltered. Thankfully, most years I can look back and say that I have definitely grown and become a better person.

This year I am having trouble. I look at myself at this time last year and now, and I see a very different person. I have definitely grown in many ways, but there are many ways in which I have faltered also. I know that I can't grow in all areas of my life at all times, that there is a season for each thing, but there are aspects of my life that I know have weakened in the past year. Because of that, this year I am more concerned about my judgment than I have been in year's past. This doesn't lessen my sense of opportunity to work on these things in the coming year, but I wonder a bit at my worthiness of a favorable judgment this year.

I know I am harder on myself than probably anyone else is, but what about Hashem? I know He loves me very much, because He has given me so many gifts. But I have to wonder if He will be displeased with the changes I have gone through this year. And I wonder what that will mean in the year to come. Will it be more difficult? Will the things I hope to accomplish be delayed because Hashem will find the need to teach me other lessons?

All I know is what I can do. And what I can do now is be cognizant of those areas in which I need to work and work on them as hard as I can. Every day.

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