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Isn't it pretty?

Friday, August 06, 2004

Rose-Colored Glasses

I sometimes feel like I am becoming jaded, losing my rose-colored vision, and I am not sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. The things that used to inspire me don't always do it anymore. I just read an article about the beauty of the Orthodox world, how it makes everything so meaningful and beautiful, and my first reaction was to think that the author was really naive. That bothers me so much, not that the author describes Orthodoxy as meaningful, because I find that to be true, but that I had such a negative reaction to what I was reading. A few years ago, when I was first starting to become religious, I believed it all. I believed that wearing long-sleeved shirts in the middle of 100-degree whether showed dignity. I believed that Orthodox families were more well-behaved, loving and supportive of its members than the outside world. Maybe I have seen too much of the dark, hurtful side that is out there, but I am finding it hard to believe any more. Now, I know that all of the dark things that are in the Orthodox world are in the secular world also, and in an even greater measure. I have, in a lot of ways, cut myself off from that outside world that didn't make me happy to begin with. In fact, it really made me unhappy for a long time. I don't desire to be part of that world again, because I found it to be devoid of meaning and purpose. But I am worried that I don't find what I have chosen as inspirational and uplifting as I once did. I know you need balance in life, and you can't stay on a high forever. Maybe this feeling is normal. Maybe I am not jaded, just a bit more realistic than I used to be. I still feel that what I have chosen for my life is the right path, and I can't imagine going back, don't want to even think about going back. But sometimes I wish I had those rose-colored glasses again. Have a good Shabbos!

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