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Isn't it pretty?

Monday, June 20, 2005

Dying of Suspense

I hate suspense. It drives me crazy. I hate it when someone says they have a surprise for me but they can't tell me what it is yet. I was always the kid who found the hiding place where my parents kept the presents and found out what I was getting beforehand. It is so mean to me when people say they have to tell me something, but I have to wait. I actually get sick sometimes when I have to deal with suspenseful situations. Don't get me wrong, I love surprises. I love opening up the mailbox and seeing an envelope with a real stamp on it. I actually liked not having Caller ID because it was so cool to answer the phone and have no idea who it was going to be (at least it was cool when it wasn't a telemarketer). I just don't want to know about surprises before they are going to happen - because I can't handle the suspense. I don't like the anticipation of an awaiting surprise, and I get really frustrated at people who put me through it (which is why most of my friends have learned either to not mention things in advance or to tell me the whole story right away). Which is why I think I am having such a hard time lately - I am moving soon, and I don't have a place to live, or a job, and I don't know how things are going to turn out. I am waiting on other people to make decisions before I can make a decision. The suspense makes me so nervous. I just want to jump up and down and yell out to Hashem to let me know what is going to happen (that, or find a working crystal ball - either one would work). It's funny, because I am not a control freak, and I am not the kind of person who has to have all my decisions nailed down. I like keeping my options open. But hanging in limbo, with the possibility of homelessness in a little over a month, has me so thrown off I can't stand it. I just want to know what is going to happen, what will be. Anyone have a future-telling device for me?

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