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Isn't it pretty?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Writing Down Birthdays

I don't write birthdays on my calendar. When I was young, I remember watching my mother meticulously go through and transfer all the birthdays, anniveraries and dates to remember from her old calendar to her new one. That way, she wouldn't forget to send cards or call all the relatives and old friends that she always kept up with. Growing up, my family moved around a lot. We were rarely in the same city for more than a couple years. And I have continued that tradition by moving myself around several times since high school. Moving around so much has meant that the people in my life have been very transient, which has left me a bit insecure about relationships. I know what it means to move - it means that a few faithful people will keep in touch for a little while, with phone calls and e-mails, maybe a card here or there. The more busy people who you aren't as close to will drop out of your life altogether; maybe you'll hear an update about them from mutual acquaintances every few years. I am always so jealous of those people who have friends they have known since kindergarten, my closest friends rarely go back more than a few years. So, because of this inconstancy and fluidity in relation to the people in my life, I have always been hesitant to put birthdays on my calendar. Because what happens if by the time that birthday rolls around, that person is no longer in my life? Then it just serves as a reminder of another person who has disappeared into the abyss of lost relationships of my past. And it makes me really sad. So now that I am planning another move, I am having a hard time with the thought of losing all those people who I have developed relationships with over the last three years. Those people who have become such a huge part of my life, that I will no longer see on such a regular basis. I know that I have matured a lot, and with that comes some measure of being able to continue friendships across distance, but I know that the truth is that I will be losing some people from my life. And that truth is hard. I hope someday to be able to write birthdays on my calendar with the confidence and knowledge that it won't cause pain when the day actually comes around. I hope to find some people who are constant within my life. And because they have been so wonderful, and because I feel that the relationships I have now are more enduring than in the past, I hope that the people who are currently in my life are among those whose birthdays I am celebrating in the distant future.

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