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Isn't it pretty?

Monday, May 01, 2006

A Bruised Ego

It's incredible how much ego can get in the way of a normal reaction. I received an e-mail this morning about plans that were made without my knowledge and against my desires. Normally, I am a pretty easy-going, flexible person. But the change of plans involved a person who I have never really hit it off with - someone who I have always felt a little slighted by, as if this person doesn't like me very much. So my reaction was not what it normally is. Ordinarily, I would have been fine with the change of plans, or maybe just slightly annoyed. But I lashed out at the bearer of the news, even though I knew it wasn't her fault. But my reaction was completely emotional and not logical in the slightest, and it definitely was from the worst within me. After responding, my thoughts were filled with negativity towards this person. Tales spun in my head about the negative thoughts I imagined she has towards me, and I was definitely pontificating out of control negativity towards her. And I'm not usually like that. I kept telling myself I was being silly, and I needed to stop such negative thoughts, but I wasn't completely able to. As I thought about it more, I realized, it's all about my ego. My ego is bruised because I feel like this person doesn't like me. I usually get along with most people, and the fact that I feel slighted by this person, I take every interaction with them as negative. I perceive what probably isn't even there, and I definitely spin things into much more than they actually are. And it's not about this person - it's about me. And my insecurities. And my issues. I am making myself unable to get along and to let this person like me. It was quite the realization to come to this conclusion. But now that I have, I am actually more calm, and don't feel as negatively towards this person. It doesn't mean I will be best friends with them anytime soon, but I am more willing to work with them, because I do know that it's in my head, and I am the one making things worse. I hope I will manage to let go of my ego enough to make amends.

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