Hanging in the Balance

Since even before I graduated, I've been looking for a position as a guidance counselor. Easy, right? Um, I wish. Unfortunately, the field is extremely competitive and there are major hurdles to getting that first position in a public school. I'm basically playing a waiting game at the moment, because schools often don't hire until the very last second. And it sucks.

I have been on a bunch of interviews, and have not heard back from a single one. Not a phone call, not an email. I've left messages with nothing in return. This could mean they are still interviewing, or it could mean they just aren't interested. But all I know is that I am frustrated.

I think part of my frustration is just because I have been so lucky in the past - I have been working full-time for 10 years now and I have never had trouble finding a job. This is a completely different type of position, much more specified and also much more fulfilling, than anything I have done before. But I had no idea it would be this hard.

I have tried and tried to have a good attitude about my job hunt, but I am really feeling the pressure as the summer goes on and I have yet to get a job offer. People keep reassuring me that something will come through - but I have absolutely no guarantee of that and there are plenty of applicants just like myself, just as qualified, just as smart, who will not find a position. So why will I? So the empty assurances don't really make me feel better. Not to say that I don't appreciate that people believe in me, but it just doesn't make things easier to bear when I seemingly have no real reason to believe them.

And whenever I reach out, or someone offers to talk to someone "in the know," all I get is disappointing advice on how to go about looking for a position (mainly things I've already heard) or critiques on my resume (hardly helpful concrete info about available positions). No short cuts, no good, real contacts who can actually help. Sigh.

The thing that bothers me the most is the prospect of having worked five years towards this goal. Working full-time, taking classes at night, limiting my social life because of papers due and having to study. Going into debt due to student loans. And all for naught. The thought is unbearable and kinda heart-wrenching.

I have a few friends who really have been understanding and supportive and have let me whine on their shoulders, and I appreciate them a lot. As I learned in my counseling classes, empathy goes a long way. I know I haven't been the happiest and easiest person to be around lately. And I hate that, because it's not like me. But I'm scared.

So that's my life du jour. I am hoping that my next post will bear better news, unexpectedly good news. Until then, if anyone needs a guidance counselor, let me know.

Baruch Dayan Emes

My great-aunt, who I wrote about below, passed away today. Baruch Dayan Emes.