Hi

And every so often, that urge to write comes back...

Amazing that was able to even figure out how to get here.  I know blogging is kind of dead, but I miss getting my thoughts out - it used to help clarify in my mind what I was thinking and feeling.  So here I am - no promises of a resurrection, nor any declarations of this being a one-time thing.  We'll just take it as it goes...

So, my life these days - I have two crazy, insane boys.  I have a husband of 6-1/2 years.  I own a house, a minivan, and more coats than I ever thought I would need.  I search to find the lowest price on diapers and know the names of more Thomas trains than I ever knew existed.  I haven't slept through the night, nor slept past 5:15 am, in over four years.  I spend my Sundays at the zoo, or playgrounds, or kids' birthday parties.

I also have a full-time job that I love, despite it being involving a field I never, ever imagined I would be in, or be successful in.  I work with a fantastic group of people and know how insanely lucky I am to have the opportunities I have been given.

I don't change peoples lives as I thought I would.  I don't keep in touch with my friends as I always swore I would.  I don't go out at night anymore. I don't see movies, or engage in artistic endeavors or go to museums.  There are a lot of things I don't do, that I always thought I would.  But that's ok.

I do read lots of books, and I receive dozens of pieces of artwork weekly. I also receive fierce hugs and kisses when I venture as far as the bathroom.  My walking into a room can inspire a stampede.  There are a lot of things I never expected would be so meaningful.

My husband and I often talk about our philosophy on life, and what we think is important.  Luckily, we are very much on the same page on most things, despite being extremely different people in general.  We speak about those things we want to impart upon our children - things like doing the right thing even when it's not necessarily easy, being nice to everyone we meet, and giving.  Making our home a place where everyone feels welcome, not just those who are pretty or popular or easy.

Life is a work in progress.  Every day I hope that I make a little progress...some days I don't. But I do my best.

Primary Job?

I know I don't blog anymore.  Except...sometimes I just need to get my thoughts down in writing. 

My baby is now 5 months old.  He is adorable and I really love him, in a way that can't really be described or anticipated until you experience it.  He has changed my life more dramatically than any other life event I have ever gone through.

I have been back at work for a few months now.  I work part-time these days so that I can still spend a good amount of time with my son, and watch him grow and develop.  I think this arrangement is the best for both me and my son.  I never really saw myself as the type to want to be home full-time, and I do find that having the break from my baby during the day makes me really appreciate the time I do spend with him. I also really enjoy the intellectual stimulation of my job, getting to interact with adults on a daily basis and feeling like I am more than just a burp cloth ;)  And the money and health insurance provided by my employer are helpful also.

My supervisor and other co-workers regularly tell me that they value my work and that they think I am doing a great job.  This is despite the days I have to leave on a moment's notice to pick up my baby because he isn't feeling so well at daycare and the mornings I drag myself into work having had very little sleep the night before.  But I am dedicated to my job and make sure that whatever I am asked to do gets done within the required time frame (sometimes working from home) and with a high level of quality.

I have an amazing boss and work for a great team.  My one gripe with my job is that it is mainly a secretarial-type role, which I would like to grow out of at some point.

Well, here's why I'm writing this post.  I was told the other day, that as long as my primary "job" is being a mother, there isn't really room for advancement for me within our department.  I am sure this is mainly because of my part-time hours (and in those part-time hours, I do the work of a full-time employee), but that wasn't the reason given.  And while I don't have my head stuck in the sand, I was still a little taken aback by that.  Mainly, I think, because I've never encountered so obviously the whole "you can't have it all" phenomenon.  And I don't know how to take it.

Conversely, I was having a conversation with someone the other day and I mentioned how much my baby looks like my husband and how I'm a little jealous of that.  Her response was that my husband needed that to bond with our baby, and I didn't, because I am such a natural mother.  But the thing is, I don't feel like a natural mother.  It took me a little while to really bond with my baby.  And while I adore him, I still have moments where I don't know what to do with him or how to interact with him, or I just want to be able to sit down and read a book uninterrupted. Or have a little time to myself, without having to think about him.  To be really, really honest, I can't wait until he grows up a bit and I can have a conversation with him.  The baby stage is cute but I find it really hard and intense.

Which I think is why the comment about my job prospects stung a bit.  Because I feel like I kind of flounder around being a mother (I'm ok, but don't feel like the natural my friend attributed to me) and then, because of my floundering mother status, I'm being held back in the other area that I actually do feel like I'm good at.

I think it also stings because being a working mom is SO hard.  I juggle so many responsibilities and feel like I have to be good at all of them.  Job, baby, cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, leisure time.  So many balls to juggle at once.  And to be told that, because I'm juggling all those balls, I'm being held back.  Which, by the way, I don't have so much choice about - I think my working is important for many, many reasons - and, as a woman and mother, I don't have an option to leave behind the mom role like a man can.  So I guess I was a little stung to hear that because I had a child and want to be a decent mother to him, I made the implicit decision to leave a career behind and stay stuck in a role that I feel I could easily move past.

I don't at all regret my decision to have a child - it has incredibly enriched my life and I can't imagine not having my son.  I guess I just wish that women had an easier role in this world.

Women's Changing Roles

Wow has Blogger changed.  I guess it's been a while.  While not necessarily wanting to revive this blog, I did have some thoughts recently that I wanted to get out in writing.  Not sure if anyone will even see this post (except the ridiculous spammers who I still get occasional emails from asking to exchange links) but figured it would help me clarify my thoughts (which was one of the stronger reasons I used to blog).

So, since my last post quite a bit has happened.  I got married.  We bought a house.  And six weeks and 3 days ago, I had a baby boy.  Wow.  Talk about a life I don't even recognize anymore.  And as is the human condition, life trucks on and we adjust and forget about the life we left behind.  I honestly tried to remember last night what it was like to not have a baby and I had trouble conjuring it up. 

All this having a baby stuff has made me think a lot about the nature of being a woman and how our roles and identity change so much throughout life. 

My dad came to visit to see his first grandchild.  He was on the phone trying to track down his lost luggage (annoying!) and I overhear him telling whoever answered the phone his last name, in order for them to try to input his information.  I was surprised to find that I expected him to say the same last name as my married name and realized I was thrown aback when I heard him say my maiden name.  In that moment, I realized that in two and a half years, my self-identity had made a real transition to my married last name.  Which is ironic, because I remember early on in marriage really struggling with the loss of my identity and proposing to my new husband that we both change our last names to a neutral new last name just to be fair (this proposal was met with very little interest).  But the transition came and now I think of my married name as my identity.

Then, the baby.  All of a sudden, I'm mommy.  I refer to myself as mommy.  My baby recognized me as his nurturer.  My husband calls me mommy. Whoa.  And, as I haven't yet returned to work, I'm mommy all the time, 24/7.  There's no escape.  Whoa.  Talk about the biggest responsibility and game changer possible.  And it happened without a conscious thought - as soon as that baby was born and put into my arms, I instinctively knew I was a mommy.  My job was taking care of that baby, my baby.  I slipped into the role soundlessly.  And a little terrified.

Now, six and a half weeks later, I'm almost ready to go back to work, because to be honest, I need a little break sometimes.  Going from working full time and identifying myself in large part by my role at my job, to full time mommy was hard.  But I realize that no matter how many hours I'll spend at work (and I can't bear the thought of spending too many of them there), my thoughts will be with my son.  My identity has once again, been changed dramatically, as it does for a woman when she has a child. I will never go back to being the person I was before.

Thank God. 

An Update

I don't know if anyone will read this, since I said goodbye several months ago. I didn't expect to blog again, and I don't expect to continue now. But so many things have changed that I felt the need to post an update.

I'm getting married in a week and a day.

Everything has changed so dramatically in my life since my last post that it's hard to quantify it. But yes, I'm getting married to a wonderful man who makes me incredibly happy. This relationship is so incredibly different from any others I've experienced. I can't wait to start my life with him.

The experience of finding a man who I am going to marry has made me do so much thinking, without finding a lot of answers. All I know now is that I have no idea why things happen when they do. But I do know this - my fiance said to me the day after we met, about an event that seemed awful, that I would look back and see that the bad event was the best thing that could have happened. And I now do.

I know I don't always get such quick positive hindsight, but I do see that he's right for most situations. I have no idea why I've gone through some things in my life, but I do see that they have made me who I am. And while there are a few things that I admit I regret, in general, I like to think I've learned and matured from my experiences.

It's said that on your wedding day, you get the opportunity to start anew. While I love that in some respects, I also don't want to forget all the lessons I've learned through my struggles and mistakes. And when I look at my fiance and see how we fit together so well, I realize that it wouldn't be so without all those past experiences. So I can look back and know that it was all for the best. And that's a great place to be.

Bye

I don't know if anyone will even see this, I've neglected my blog for so long. I felt like my blog deserved one last post - after over five years of semi-regular writing, it didn't seem fair to abandon it without so much as a good-bye. So I guess this is good-bye.

I started writing because I was bored at my job. I've moved on from there and I can honestly say that I am very rarely bored where I am currently working.

When I started blogging, it was still kinda new. There was a limited number of blogs out there. Now it's ubiquitous, everyone has one or has had one. It's not unique, and I kinda like being different.

I used to write because it helped me clear my thoughts. Then a lot of people started reading and I found that I wasn't as open and honest as was helpful. I didn't want to get too personal or expose myself too much, so I hid. And it kind of lost its purpose.

I met a ton of great people through my writing, many of whom I consider friends today. That hasn't gone away, nor would I think that it has lost its potential.

I just don't feel like writing anymore. Through good and bad things that have happened, stressful times and happy times, I just don't feel the need, the urge, the push anymore. I'm not quite sure how I get my thoughts out of my head anymore, but writing just doesn't have the same allure. So I stopped. And it's fine. I actually don't miss it like I once thought I would.

So I guess I'm saying good-bye to my blog, though hopefully not to the friends I've made through my blog. I'll still be lurking in the shadows, reading posts here and there. But Sweet Rose is signing out.

Silver Linings

I know I haven't been posting much lately. I think my blogging career is slowly eeking its way towards its end.

Regardless of that, I do have some slightly-delayed year-end observations and reflections that I thought I would share.

This year really pretty much sucked (I apologize to any readers with sensitivities to somewhat foul language). For so many reasons, my stress level was at a high. I was juggling a ton of responsibilities, I had to deal with some situations that I've never faced before and I felt lost in a lot of ways. I'm still dealing with a lot of it and struggling to find my way, though I feel like some things are at least a bit clearer now. Somewhat.

Through all this stress and confusion, one thing did become pretty clear to me, and that is who my friends really are and the fact that I am living in the right place. This past year, while I was the lowest and during those periods where I was dealing with some really difficult situations, people really came through. I had those people who checked in on me regularly just to make sure I was ok. I had people who were really there for me to talk to openly without judgment and with understanding. I had those who invited me over for Shabbos meals and even meals during the week just so I didn't have to be alone. These little things, that really weren't so little, meant a lot. New people and old people, I felt like relationships were redefined in many ways and I saw who I could really count on.

So at the outset of one of the more difficult years of my life, what I find is that I really do have a place and people who are there for me. That knowledge gives me some strength.

Shana Tova!

I wish everyone a sweet and wonderful New year :)