There is an option on Facebook to list your relationship status as "It's Complicated." I've never really understood why anyone would want to broadcast to everyone that they were involved in such a relationship but it does describe one of the relationships in my life.
I have a complicated relationship with God.
When I first started becoming religious, I was at a very low point in my life. And I was introduced to the concept that God really cares about each person, and that we each have a specific purpose in our lives, and that no one is given a challenge that they can not overcome. And that those challenges are supposed to make us stronger. I loved this idea. Because I needed to believe that the hard things I was going through were for a reason. And that I did have a purpose for being here.
Through the years, I have really tried to put my challenges into this perspective. Tried to learn what I can from them, and believe that God wants me to go through these experiences because I can get through them, and that they will make me stronger in the end.
But I feel like I fail miserably. Over and over. And I'm having a very hard time seeing it anymore.
I have had periods where I have really made efforts to strengthen myself in many ways, to become self-aware, to improve, to be a good person and follow what I think God wants me to do. And I have often felt like my efforts were for naught. That no matter how hard I am trying, it didn't really matter, things still didn't become easier.
And I look around and see my students who struggle with so many challenges in life, to the point where I am ashamed to say my life has challenges at all. And how could they possibly have the tools or the strength to handle it? How could a God who really cares about each of His creations really be making all these things happen?
And on the other hand, there are some amazing people in my life, who I really love, who are really good to me. And how can I say that God doesn't care if those people were brought into my life?
I know that maybe my understanding of the concept of God's rule over the world may be faulty, but still, I struggle and have a hard time giving up on the attempt at trying to make sense of it, or to coming to my own conclusions about it all. Maybe it's a problem with my faith and I just don't believe strongly enough. But maybe it's not.