I haven't posted here in a really long time. I wasn't really sure I was ever going to again. But I miss writing.
I don't have anything incredibly profound to share. Life has been in high gear without a break. I've been sick a few times, I've been overwhelmed, I've been working and studying really hard. I've laughed and cried and smiled and been sad. It's life.
I have 66 days left until I graduate. I don't think I have ever worked so hard for anything in my entire life. And I'm proud of myself for doing it, and doing it well. But I'm also really glad it's almost over, because I'm ready to work on a whole list of other interests that have been on the backburner for a while. I want to train for a half-marathon and get really healthy. I want to learn Spanish. I want to do pottery.
I'm really relieved and happy to say that I really do think I've picked the right field for myself. Every week that I'm at my internship, I enjoy the students more and more. I've really built good relationships with them. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment when I hear them say things like, "I have to tell you what's going on," and "I was thinking about what you said." The students I am working with have so many challenges that they face every day, I'm struck by them. I'm inspired by their tenacity. I'm there to care about them, which is just about all I can do, but it's something that they don't have otherwise. And I'm getting a huge sense of accomplishment from it.
But that huge sense of accomplishment doesn't mean that I'm really whole. Lately, I've been feeling a huge sense of something missing. It could be because I do sense graduation approaching and a lot more free time. Or it could be that it's getting warmer and Spring is almost here. Or it could just be that I'm getting older and I'm starting to feel it a bit (still not freaking out about a biological clock, don't worry there), and I really want to be sharing these years with someone. All I know is, I've been feeling lonely. And I've been waking up at night from bad dreams and bad feelings and really wanting someone there to reassure me. And when I read this, I couldn't imagine expressing how I feel any more poignantly or accurately. As wonderful as my friends and community are (and they really are wonderful, I can't say enough), in the words of the great John Mayer, something's missing.
And it's kinda hard because I know that in some ways, I've done it to myself. I have chosen to pursue this crazy schedule and to put school and my career first. I have some issues to work out that I haven't (though that's another goal for after graduation).
Anyway, that's a little update on me. The good and the bad. I do hope to be sharing my thoughts here more regularly. I have missed it :)