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Isn't it pretty?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Transparent

I met someone recently who made some very sharp observations in a short period of time. I was a bit blown away by it, as well as being disconcerted. It's rare that someone meets me and immediately senses what's below the surface, it usually takes quite some time and trust to get inside my shell. It's not that you can't get a good feeling of who I am when first meeting me. But it's rare that someone really gets that there is so much going on underneath. I was unnerved by such sharp observations. When called on the fact that I mask my full palette of colors, I responded that it takes time to get in, to see the spectrum. I was then asked whether anyone ever does. I wonder if anyone can ever really see the whole of any other person. Maybe a spouse comes close. I can't say that there has ever been anyone in my life who really knew everything, that I have been comfortable telling everything to. But in a lot of ways, I hope to find someone like that. Like I said above, it disconcerted me to be seen through so quickly. It put me on edge, on the defensive. I wasn't prepared to have such sharp observations made of me by someone I didn't really know. I guess I felt exposed. But again, in contrast, I want to find someone to see through me, though I guess I want it more on my own terms, when I am ready to let them see it. But maybe that will be too late. Like everything in life, it comes back to balance. I guess the transparency of who we are has to be balanced on a scale - how much to give when mixed with the necessity of being exposed to bond two people. It's a hard balance to strike.

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