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Isn't it pretty?

Friday, October 21, 2005

Growth through Struggling

Moving is hard. Being back in Baltimore this past weekend was such a mixed bag. I loved seeing my friends; I hated leaving. I loved driving around, feeling in my element, at home; it bothered me that I don't live there anymore. Another friend of mine who was also visiting said that she found it very confusing. I totally agree. It's confusing because I know the reasons I chose for leaving. And I know that they are good reasons. I know that if I returned to Baltimore, the things that I am missing aren't even all there anymore. But it is comfortable being there. That comfort is what I miss. The comfort of knowing where I am going, who I am going to see, what I am doing at work, and knowing what my teachers in school expect from me. But being comfortable doesn't necessarily mean you are growing. In fact, it can often mean stagnation, or even going backwards. Because when you are comfortable with where you are, you don't have the same motivation to make changes, to work on things, to improve yourself. I've often told people that those things in life that I worked hardest for, that I struggled the most with, are also those things that are the most important to me and that I am the proudest of. Becoming religious, getting my degree, becoming independent - these are things in my life that were incredibly hard to accomplish, but that I am the proudest of and really mean a lot to me. I also grew the most from these challenges. So, I feel an internal contradiction inside of me. Because I want things to be easier, but I also know that once this challenge is behind me, I will probably be a better, stronger person. And ultimately, that is what I want. I recognize that my attitude of late has been on the negative side. I am going to make an effort going forth to recognize that what I am going through will ultimately result in positive developments. And to temper my reactions with a dose of equanimity at what I encounter in my life. And to focus on the positive, because being positive makes me happy with myself. Have a good Shabbos!


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