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Isn't it pretty?

Monday, September 12, 2005

Something's Missing

Once again, John Mayer has managed to sum up my thoughts pretty well: Something's Missing I'm not alone, I wish I was. Cause then I'd know, I was down because I couldn't find, a friend around To love me like, they do right now. They do right now. I'm dizzy from the shopping malls I searched for joy, but I bought it all It doesn't help the hunger pains and a thirst I'd have to drown first to ever satiate Something's missing And I don't know how to fix it something's missing And I don't know what it is At all When autumn comes, it doesn't ask. It just walks in, where it left you last. And you never know, when it starts Until there's fog inside the glass around your summer heart: Something's missing And I don't know how to fix it something's missing And I don't know what it is At all I can't be sure that this state of mind, is not of my own design I wish there was an over the counter test, for loneliness. For loneliness like this. Something's missing And I don't know how to fix it Something's missing And I don't know what it is No I don't know what it is Something's different And I don't know what it is No I don't know what it is Friends -check- Money -check- A well slept -check- Opposite sex -check- Guitar -check- Microphone -check- Messages waiting for me, when I come home -check- How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries What do you think it means How come everything I think I need, always comes with batteries What do you think it means As John says, I have been trying so hard to figure out what it is that is missing lately - I just know that something is off and I can't seem to find a way to fill in the hole that I am feeling. I have been keeping busy with friends, I have done everything I can to make my new place a home, but I am still not feeling it. I know transitions are hard, but how long does it take to feel settled in to a new place? I guess I still just don't feel a part of my new community. And it is a challenge that I am having a very hard time dealing with. I was davening this morning, and pouring my heart out to Hashem, because I definitely feel like my connection with Him is lacking at the moment. Remembering that it is Elul, I read Psalm 27, which has always really spoken to me: By David. Hashem is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? Hashem is my life's strength, whom shall I dread? When evildoers approach me to devour my flesh; my tormentors and foes against me - it is they who stumble and fall. Though an army would besiege me, my heart would not fear; though war would arise against me, in this I trust. One thing I asked of Hashem, that shall I seek - that I dwell in the House of Hashem all the days of my life, to behold the sweetness of Hashem and to contemplate in His Sanctuary. Indeed, He will hide me in His Shelter on the day of evil; He will conceal me in the concealment of His Tent, He will lift me upon a rock. Now my head is raised above my enemies around me, and I will slaughter offerings in His Tent accompanied by joyous song; I will sing and chant praise to Hashem. Hashem, hear my voice when I call, be gracious toward me and answer me. In your behalf, my heart has said, "Seek My Presence." Your Presence, Hashem, do I seek. Conceal not Your Presence from me, repel not your Servant in anger. You have been my Helper, abandon me not, forsake me not, O God of my salvation. Though my father and mother have forsaken me, Hashem will gather me in. Teach me Your way, Hashem; and lead me on the path of integrity, because of my watchful foes. Deliver me not to the wishes of my tormentors, for there have arisen against me false witnesses who breathe words of violence. Had I not trusted that I would see the goodness of Hashem in the land of life! Hope to Hashem; strengthen yourself and He will give you courage, and hope to Hashem. I know that Hashem doesn't give us challenges that we can't overcome, and I also know that those challenges do make us stronger. I have seen that in my life, and I truly believe that the times that were the hardest for me ended up being the greatest growth experiences of my life. I came out of them feeling much stronger, knowing myself better and believing that I could make it through, with Hashem's help. I am trying to keep this in mind. I am also trying to keep in mind that it's okay to struggle, to feel bad, to have a hard time and to hurt. It's normal. But that doesn't mean it's easy. I have been scared about the impending holidays - I don't feel prepared to stand and be judged. And I have been taking the wrong strategy in dealing with that fear - I have been running in the other direction, trying to tuck my head under my pillow and hide from the decree I feel hanging over my head. Luckily, I still have a few weeks to gather strength. And now I am determined to face it head-on, rather than hiding. As Kind David said, "Hope to Hashem: Strengthen yourself and He will give you courage, and hope to Hashem."

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