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Isn't it pretty?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Being A Shoulder

I went to sleep telling myself that I didn't feel as stressed or anxious as I should have, that I actually felt a bit settled in. It's now 4:45 in the morning; I have been awake for a while. I guess I was kidding myself. I have lots of stuff in my head - my unpacking, job hunting, my poor terrified cat, trying to make friends here, the concern that I will have a hard time carving my niche (I have given up on really fitting in). But what I think is keeping me up right now is a friend and her troubles. I had a long talk with her yesterday, and many things came out that I didn't know were going on. She is really struggling, and not sure what decisions she will make or what the outcome will be. I am the first person she has spoken to, and I don't know what to tell her. It scares me immensely. I know why she feels she can talk to me, but I feel like I am the wrong person, that I am not the role model she needs right now. And I can't even tell her why. I want to be there for her, to be strong, to say the right things. But I don't know what they are, and I can't lie to her and try to be something I am not. I wish I could sometimes, because maybe the words from someone who I am not would be the right ones. At least they would be better than telling her that I don't know what to tell her. I can offer her unending support and caring and friendship. But I don't know that I can offer her the right guidance, and I think she really wants some, though of course, ultimately, her decision is only up to her. I feel helpless in watching her struggle and it really hurts me, because I know what it is like to be faced with a decision. A decision where you know what the "right" thing to do is, but that is not what you want. And the road to what you want seems insurmountable. I don't know how to help, and I hate that - I want to be a good friend. Can I be a good friend if I don't know what to say?

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