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Isn't it pretty?

Tuesday, February 15, 2005


Reading Heather's post this morning scared me a bit. Someone else who gets thinky? Who broods? I guess there must be a few others out there like me, but who knew that it happens to them on the same days? Like Heather, last night I was thinky. And annoyed. And probably really annoying. Valentine's Day is hard for those of us without someone to celebrate with. Together with the pressures that have been building up over the past few months, I didn't take it well. (I apologize to those of you who bore the brunt of my boiling over - you know who you are.) I got thinky. And tried to figure out what was bothering me so badly. As humans, I think we all crave some sort of stability in our lives. Things we can count on, day in and day out. People who will be constant in our lives. Change is scary, because we don't know what to expect. Sometimes even if the situation you are in is not ideal, at least you are used to dealing with it, you know what to expect and it is comforting, even if it is not necessarily good. I haven't had a lot of stability in my life. I have moved a lot. People have come and gone with amazing rapidity. Things have been in constant flux. I guess I have adjusted pretty well to it, but the truth is, I hate it. I want stability, and assurance. I am facing a lot of change coming up in the next few months. And I am really scared. I don't know where I am going to live, what job I am going to have, where I will be attending school, or who will be the people filling my daily life. It is really scary. And I am finding myself paralyzed to do what I need to do to effect those changes. Because part of me knows that I am scared to step out of my comfort zone, even though I know that many of these changes are probably best for me. The problem is, you can't stop life from happening. Stability is great to want, but I can't control everyone and everything else in my life. The things around me are going to change and evolve, regardless of the stability that I want, the constancy that I desire. And I have to deal. Even though I don't necessarily want to. I don't think I would stop time if I could. Maybe I would just make it a bit slower. Or I would force only one thing at a time to change, so I could acclimate myself before having to deal with something else. Or give myself a crystal ball so I would have some warning... I guess for now I will keep dreaming, and hoping for stability to come. And try to deal with the changes that are thrown in my direction with more grace and poise than I currently am. And appreciate those who support me when I am feeling unstable. Because, honestly, they do make all the difference.


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