I had some interesting reactions to my last post (and my blog in general lately), interesting because they spanned the spectrum. I was called "The Man" by Daboys (try "The Chick" next time ;), I was linked to by Ezzie and Jack, and the post sparked a number of very thoughtful and interesting comments. On the other hand, I had a few people privately contact me and express their concern about my post and the fact that they were detecting anger, discouragement and frustration in my blog of late.
I was annoyed by these latter reactions to my post. I'll be honest about the fact that the post wasn't particularly easy for me to write, along with several of my posts lately. I used to strive very hard to avoid any topics that could possibly be considered controversial, because I didn't want my blog to be the a place of contention, with commentors striking venomously at each other. And while my last post wasn't extremely controversial, I know just from my hesitancy to write it, that it wasn't the most conflict-avoidant post either. But it was honest. And that's what I've been working hard to achieve lately - less political correctness, and more honesty, whether it is pretty or not. Because life isn't always pretty and easy. And lately, I've been struggling with many things.
In the last episode of Grey's Anatomy (no spoilers, don't worry) there is a scene between Meredith and Izzy that goes as such:
Meredith: "You ever feel like you're disappearing?"
Izzy: "All the time."
Meredith: "Why can't I just be that happily ever after person? Why can't I just believe in that."
Izzy: "I don't know what I believe in anymore."
That scene might be a bit melodramatic to illustrate how I've been feeling lately, but when I was watching it last week, it did strike home a bit.
As was probably evidenced in my last post, I am struggling with what I believe in. I have a lot of questions about faith and religion, and most of them don't come with easy answers wrapped up in sparkly ribbon for me. Most of them require lots of thought, contemplation, introspection and sometimes, sighs. And answers don't always come from all that.
After having a conversation the other day with an acquaintance struggling with very similar issues, I also know that my frustration and difficulties in the spiritual arena are probably compounded by the fact that I don't really fit in with the community in which I live. The people in my community are very nice, and have welcomed me warmly, and they don't do anything explicitly to make me feel like an outsider, but inside, I feel like an one. And I feel like, similarly to my blogging, I hide my true feelings and opinions in order to avoid judgment which again, is probably more in my mind than the minds of those who I interact with - but it's still there and it affects me.
I'm also struggling with life at the moment. I have a very heavy school load, in addition to working full-time. And I've been overwhelmed. I don't ask for help easily, instead usually attempting to do it all myself, no matter what, my indepedent streak injured by not being capable. But I'm starting to see that it isn't always possible, which is hard for me to admit.
There's not an easy solution to these struggles; they aren't going to just disappear next week if I ignore them long enough. So please bear with me while I work on them. I do appreciate the concern of those who have expressed it - the sentiment and kindness does touch me and it actually does help to know that people care, even if I'm not always capable of letting them know that. But if my posts seem to come from a place of frustration, sometimes they are. I do try to not let it show so often, because I hate to be the person who is always complaining and can't see the good, but once in a while, I need an outlet, and what better outlet than a blog?