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Isn't it pretty?

Thursday, February 19, 2004

An Honest Reflection, I hope

Ok, I know I have been on the existential side of things lately, but I guess I have had a lot to reflect on this past week or so. I got news about someone from my past last week. Sorry to be so cryptic, but I don't want to use details. It brought up a lot of feelings in me that I really needed to think about. The news was of the sort that, when it first presented itself, it was quite a blow. But then, the more I thought about it, I realized that it was a thing of the past. Because I am a different person than I used to be, it didn't affect me the way it would have six months ago. Because I am more self-assured, more confident, because I know who I am better than I used to, the news wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. Or so I told myself. Then last night I was talking to someone. After hanging up, I realized that I let myself fall into all the same traps that I have always put myself through. I make myself into an airhead when I talk to guys. I have always done it. And then I worry that I am not smart enough for them. And then I realize that I shouldn't have worried about it at all, and sometimes they aren't smart enough for me. (I am not trying to sound conceited here, I am trying to be honest.) This is crazy and self-defeating. And I know that it is. But I do it all the time. I can't figure out why I let myself do it. When a guy is super smart, it takes me a while, but I will usually let myself act smart around him. But I will always feel inferior and doubt myself. When a guy isn't as smart, I will act dumb and then wonder why we didn't talk about good enough topics. Duh, there are two people in the conversation here. Why can't I just be myself? Why do I have this fear of letting my intellect show? Why do I doubt whether I am good enough for everything? Why do I worry so darn much?

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